I would rather deal with a Republican than a drunk, and I hate Republicans. Republicans are idiots but drunks are a special breed of idiot, the kind of person who when you tell them "no" they still stick their finger in your butt. And then they stagger to the bathroom to vomit in a sink or poop on the floor (yes drunk people poop on floors, I've seen it). I know exactly what they think when they walk into the men's room of the PIECES bar "WHAT?!? Two urinals??? Well I guess I'll just poop on the floor". I think it's an inhuman choice to deficate on a floor unless you are doing it for a Jackass style show or movie but in the mind of a drunk it's a solution to a problem. Sometimes they poop in a urinal which makes more sense than the floor but still seems like more work that its worth. Most of the time they just spray the seat with a fine mist of poop like a can of glade. Drunks are able to do this because they are actually trying to hover above the seat so as not to touch it. That combined with a fine meal of hot dogs from Grey's Papaya and rot-gut liquor is the desired combination to form truly runny poop.
A drunk is a person who knows everything about every subject, as if each consumed beverage were a year at Yale. And whether they are right or wrong they will argue their point of view with a fire they don't have in their sober life. I remember saying once to an inebriated friend that I was feeling dehydrated and needed some water. At this statement my friend who was 6 Dewars and waters into his night grabbed my arm and pulled it away from my glass as if I were about to stick it into Oprah's mouth. "Water" he said "Is the worst thing you can drink to re-hydrate yourself! You could overhydrate and die!" It sounds like he was afraid I might drown, but throwing caution to the wind I downed that water bottle and later on that night laughed as I watched I a drunk fish out a urinal cake walk out into the bar and set it on my friends face. And because I was drunk I didn't take it off his face, I just stole his drink and laughed at his misfortune.
Drunk people lose things like its their job. Whole bags full of important and expensive things. Ipod's, phones, wallets, diabetes testing kits, medication, money, drugs you name it! You would think someone who loses their passport might come back and claim it. But a lot of the time people are too drunk to know the name of the bar they in. So their personal items remain lost in a vortex of the blackout they have caused from a night of binge drinking. A bag is one thing, small compact and easy to forget like a banana's at the grocery store or a child at a mall, but I will never understand when I find a pair of pants or one shoe or my personal favorite an eye patch. It draws the most amusing mental image of a shoeless, pant-less pirate covering his right eye with one hand while hailing a cab with his hook.
Fights are the worst when you are drunk. The smallest thing can escalate into a full scale battle with anything from another bar fly or perhaps if you are drunk enough, a bar stool. The booze gives you super human strength and makes it impossible to feel pain turning you into the perfect weapon.
My dealings with drunks have become the stuff of lengends probably because I have the Patience and kindness of a Nazi. Recently I was hosting Too Ugly For Tv with my dearest friend Tallulah de Bayous (Coming up on November 15th at 11pm.) We both knew instantly who the problems were going to be. A fat lesbian and her also fat friend, both had just moved to NYC and decided to spend their first night out in the big Apple at the PIECES bar. By 8pm they were both so drunk their eyes were rolling in the backs of their fat heads, and in a bar full of almost 7 people they were grinding on each other and anyone who passed them by like it was 1998 and we were dancing the night away at Kerfew.
By the end of the show they had yelled and screamed over the top of us which was a feat because we had microphones, and grinded on us both while we hosted said show. They ordered drinks by hollering across the room to the bar tender, while also correcting the way he was pouring his hooch (she used to be a bar tender so she knows everything about how to sling a drink). She gave me makeup tips which I never asked for, never tipped the waiter or the bar tender, peed with the bathroom door not just un-locked but open, in short they were the kind of drunks this blog is all about. The kind who are totally unaware of just how rube and obnoxious they really are.
By the end of the night the fat lesbian and her fat friend were so trashed they were openly mocking Tallulah and myself. So when I saw them stumbling back to the bathroom, presumably to piss with the door open again, I had to stop them. I have a bad temper and I was trashed so she is lucky she lived through the event. I don't have a clear memory of what was said, I do know I grabbed fatty, fatty two by four by her thick earlobe and dragged her through the bar like 300 pounds of cheap meat. As I handed it off to the doorman her serial killer in the making looking friend grabbed me from behind. Word of warning never touch a drag queen especially when she is obviously in a blind rage. I flip turned around and through my drink right into his stupid marshmellow face. A look that is forever burned into my memory, his face said "what is going on? Why are you doing this?? What have we done??" Honestly they hadn't done anything that hasn't happened a 1000 times before, they just caught me when I was drunk and unreasonable, and fed up with stupid behavior. The explanation point on my rage was smashing my glass on the floor in true Susan Lucci form. After my explosion I turned and looked at the bar tender who laughed and said, well I guess you need another drink.
If you will skip to the 2:17 mark on the video below, this is how i felt.
I think that sums it up nicely
Obviously I am no angel when I drink either. But something has happened over the last couple years in the NYC gay bar scene. People are leaning more and more towards acting like assholes. Homos need to unite and remember we are all on the same team (me included). It didn't used to be so confrontational. Drinking was something we all did together and actually had a good time, nowadays a night rarely goes by where a fight doesn't break out, or someone is escorted from the bar for stealing money off the bar, or refusing to pay for a drink, or god forbid pooping on the bathroom floor.
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